Hi..
I've got a few things to tell you all. If you give two fucks, read on. If you give one, then do whatever you normally do with it. If you give no fucks, join the club. Christ, I've started rambling already.
Firstly, I'm a copper and you're all under suspicion. And surveillance. And arrest.
Haha why do I do this to myself? The curtain twitchers will be on my back again now for months. Sorry, days.
I digress.
Let me tell you a bit about myself, or about The Druggy Builder, or whatever there is left that you lot didn't already know.
Big Mick, Druggy Darren, Dave the Rave and Stoner Steve were all based on real people. The Druggy Builder (DB) was initially based not on myself, or any particular person in fact, but on an imaginary person, a collective of people rolled in to one, made up after my experiences with all sorts of characters I had met on building sites and in the construction trade itself.
The Druggy Builder is more than just a parody. I am the Druggy Builder, but so are you, we all are.
90% of my friends are builders, decorators, plumbers, electricians, scaffolders, brickies or chippies.
We've all grown up in a drug generation. But I'm not a scumbag, junkie, or whatever other label mainstream people might choose. Let them choose. I just fucking love having fun.
I was on Twitter a few years before the DB idea came about. I had created niche slapstick parodies such as 'Big OJ Simpson' & 'Lassie' to name a few. You've probably never even heard of them, a few of you might have, but most of you probably weren't even on Twitter at this point. Some of you were just an itch in your dads bollocks. Maybe not. Anyway, these were small accounts, which required a total character change. I think the most followers I ever got to was around 1500/2000. But it wasn't about the followers. I've always had a massive love for comedy and quite a deep and alternative sense of humour. People tell me I'm very witty, others call me a sarcastic prick, most just call me a prick.
So after a while I began to realise that I didn't really have to to try hard to make up a persona or character that was funny or that people would really relate to. One day I realised that the things that make me laugh and bring me the most joy in my life were right in front of me. My job, my lifestyle, and my friends were like an (un)holy trinity. They were the things which brought me happiness and laughter. So the Druggy Builder was born. The content was so easy to find because I saw it and I lived it every single day of my life, at work, in the pub, in the clubs, and with my mates. I basically told little stories within 140 characters. Before I knew it the account hit 10,000 followers. I soon realised the reason for this was not just because of the silly crazy funny jokes and tales but mostly because everyone who has ever worked, or still works on a building site can completely relate to the content. Next thing I know, Ive got the population of a fucking small Mongolian town following me. So when I say we are all the Druggy Builder, this is exactly what I mean.
At some point the DB account changed from a comedy fairytale and it became me.
I've had this account since December 2012. Over a period of nearly four years it has turned from what began as a comedy/parody account into a full blown car crash parody of myself. It's almost like a personal account. You should know that by now anyway.
I'm 36 years old now and my friends, my very best friends, range between mid 60s down to late teens. Age is just a number. I've had a pretty exciting life. In fact, I've had a fucking mental one. I'm blessed to have travelled the world and met all sorts of nasty, weird, wonderful, scary, and beautiful people along the way. But wherever or whatever I was doing at any time in my life, most of my fondest, and most hilarious memories are based around either clubs, drugs or general banter on the building site.
During this four year period (but mostly over the time I began telling my own true life experiences, and documenting my crazy shit on Twitter), I've had people calling me a liar. I've had people calling me a copper. I've had people telling me I'm going to die an early death. I've had people offering me out. All on a daily basis and for no apparent reason.
But I've had ten times as many geezers who want to meet me and buy me a drink. I've had daughters, wives, mothers (and some grandmothers) wanting to meet me without really knowing whether I was George Clooney or Ted Bundy. I've had younger lads ask me for advice when they feel their lives are crumbling. I've had people tell me they wish they were me. I've had people ask me for life advice (yes really). You may notice that my Twitter DM's are always open whether you follow me, I follow you, or neither. DB has become an institution, and that's not me blowing my own trumpet, (as much as I love trumpet) that's me being honest with you all. It amazes me the amount of love I receive on this account and I always try and answer every single DM I get, whether it's desperate or passionate. It's overwhelming sometimes, both the volume and the content.
I'm just a normal bloke with a normal job and a sense of humour. I honestly think you'd all get on with me if you knew me, and I know I'd get on with all of you (apart from a few weirdos).
So where is this all leading to?
Well, before this turns in to a fucking Oscar speech (yes I'm white), pass me another tissue, and make sure you're sitting down. Because since I returned from Vegas there's been a lot of things going on. Bear with me, I'll explain as best, and as thoroughly as I can.... Like The Sex Pistols famously said - Never mind the Bollocks, I've sold the account.
No, seriously, I have.
*cue "sell out, fraud, cunt, fuck off" shouts from the audience
Still there? Good. Here's the science bit...
The account is being taken over by someone I have come to know very well during my years on Twitter. Remember 'The Spain Train'? No, not the new one. The wreck head one who used to run it. He has a very similar sense of humour to me, he loves the gear, and he gambles his fucking guts out. He is nearly as legendary as me, so don't worry, the account is in good hands. He knows how to run a fucking good account, and he had 84k followers before he left it. I have had many offers for the account over the years, but I have turned down every single offer without even entertaining it.
The big problem with Twitter nowadays is the amount of sterile accounts. They won't RT unless its a stack of three, which they exchange with other accounts so they both can gain followers. They never reply to followers. They steal tweets so they can use them to gain popularity, or be thought of as funny. They spam the timeline with the best betting offers you will ever see, so they can make fortunes from your sign ups. I will lose Twitter allies over this but I don't care. Try tweeting The Lad B***e anything, and see if you even get a mere like from them. Its big business now. But good luck to them I suppose. Who wouldn't want to make a living by tweeting? But this is why Ive never sold. I will RT anything that makes me laugh. I won't steal pics off someone with 10 followers and tweet them as my own so I'm popular, I will RT them directly. You already read about my DMs. That is what Twitter was designed for.
So I'm a hypocrite?
No. The bloke who is taking it over is a fucking top geezer. He will reply, he will engage, he will tell you to fuck off, or he will tell you you're quality. He's a REAL person. Don't worry, I wouldn't sell my right arm to just anyone. Been a nervous wreck for the last week. Its finally going. Its not going to be a fucking divvy lad banter account, it really is in the best hands I could dream of letting it go to.
Now. There is another twist.
The Druggy Builder isn't sailing off in to the sunset and leaving you all. Quite the opposite.
DB is upgrading the rowing boat, and I'm coming full steam ahead, ploughing in to the fucking nearest port.
Rambling again.
This account will be changing names to @kevin_the_sloth. I will have nothing to do with it. Or have any access to it. He has basically bought the password off me. He has the contacts and the energy to take it to the next level. It is going to be very much like DB, but 20x more lavish. It is going to be just as fucking crazy, if not more. Plus he's about ten years younger than me. He is just like me at that age, a legend in the making haha.
Content? We are talking worldwide backstage kind of shit. Coke, gambling, hookers, whatever else. He's a very well connected sloth, instead of a builder. That is basically the only difference. Stick with him guys, trust me on this. As I said before, I wouldn't sell it to a twat.
Another twist? Yeah fuck it might as well.
The account you are following, look closely. Its called @druggybuiider. I have moved @DruggyBuilder over to a redundant account I had hidden under the stairs a few years ago. Some of you are already following it. If you're not, please do. If you don't want to, don't. Easy isn't it?
Snapchat is staying. GLF is staying. The Druggy Builder is staying, well, he has just moved house I suppose.
More? OK...
The GLF show is coming once a month from July. Professional studios have been booked.
A DB YouTube channel is coming.
A DB book is underway.
Here is a sneak peek at the draft list of chapters -
£12k gamble weekend - Being Sectioned - Barge stag - Blackpool stag - Night nurse OD - Virginity lost to a whore - Amsterdam shrooms - Big beach boutique cameraman - Italian ski Mafia - Taxi driver gun - Spiderman wanking at v fest - Caught wanking by mum - Las Vegas jail for 24hrs - 72 hrs in Magaluf - Jamaica me crazy - The 5 dayer - Gram lines - Ibiza 24hr trip - Page 3 shag when 18 - Brighton holiday inn / asylum - Brighton tramp - Jay Z fire extinguishers & buck fast - Spray painted cocks - The illegal bitch fiesta drink driving police help - Tree KO - Singapore 72hr trip - Mates London 40th - Ibiza villa - Ibiza narcolepsy - Another car written off - Lighter gas trips - Smoking cans how it started - First line on a trowel - Followed through rotweiler chase - Dead friends - Depression - The dream - Brandon Block & Alex P after party - K-klass at my mum n dads - Od on speed 16yo - Vegas 2016
Friends section:
Beat up Aussie iron man hero - Found in a bush after bugged out - Cat cock licking - Shots of piss
IS ANYBODY STILL READING???
I will do a full explanation on Snapchat tonight too. My Snapchat name is *DrunkenRightArmSeller*
Love you, DB xx
